The Royal Treatment
by Just A Penniless Writer
Summary: Hermione has been called on for a favor. And one doesn't say no to Narcissa. LuciusHermione.
1. Part 1

**The Royal Treatment**  
_Just APenniless Writer_

**_Standard Disclaimer Applies.  
Author's Plea:_** ...I never said that I write _good_ comedy. But, come on, you _know_ you wanna read Pimp!Narcissa. This should be no longer than a 3 part story. Part 2 won't be up until after I get the next chapter of Falsity written.

**Part 1.**

"I wish to petition you on behalf of my ex-husband."

Hermione was silent with complete and total surprise.

Curiosity and good manners had taken her this far into this odd association. When Narcissa Black, the former Mrs. Malfoy, had first contacted her to join the Women's League, the young healer had been overjoyed. When Narcissa had bid her come by her new estate every Wednesday for tea, she had been confused and excited. But when Narcissa had invited her for lunch in her private room at a restaurant Hermione had only dreamt of visiting, she began to suspect the blonde's motives.

However, nothing had prepared her for this.

"My ex-husband, Lucius. I believe you know of him."

"Yes…"

"As you aware, despite the finalization of our divorce, we are still on good terms. However, since Raphael began courting me, Lucius has fallen into a depression of sorts. Raphael has asked for my hand. I am of the opinion to accept, but I fear what such knowledge would do to dear Lucius."

Hermione nodded though she was still having difficulties wrapping her mind around the enormity of this. Give her a class, she could surpass the highest expectations of the professor. Give her a test, she could break all records for high marks currently in place. Give her a problem, she could solve it and eight others connected to it.

But she had little to no practice with matters of romance. After pouring so much of herself into her training and her work, she feared she had little left for romantic love. More so, try as she might, she knew of no reason why Narcissa would say such things to her. Though they had become something of good acquaintances over the course of the year, they were still not friends, let alone very close.

"It is my opinion that Lucius would manage much better were he in a relationship. However, the man seems to have no interest in courting as all women in his immediate knowledge are married or otherwise unavailable."

Hermione just stared at her blankly.

"I decided, quite rightly, to take matters into my own hands," Narcissa finished with a self assured smile.

"But… You wish for me to court him?"

"Hermione, dear, please keep up. I understand you are out of your element, but really, dear, this is not as difficult as healing."

"Still, why me?"

"Is it not obvious? You are perfectly suited."

Hermione openly scoffed despite her inner voice reminding her it was improper, something that could be fatal in front of her present company.

"I am perfectly suited for Lucius Malfoy?" she asked incredulously.

"Of course. It is a wonder no one saw it before. I suppose no one wanted to believe it."

"Believe what?"

"What you are, Hermione."

At this, the young healer straightened her spine in preparation for the well spoken insults sure to befall her.

"You are strong. You are capable. You are most assuredly intelligent. With my influence, you will be poised. Most importantly, you are ruthless."

"Ruthless! I think not! I'm merely… demanding."

"Hermione, dear, I have had a place on the hospital's board of directors for some time now. Do not think I have not seen what you have accomplished."

Hermione still looked indignant.

"Very well, I shall explain. The former director of St. Mungo's resigned rather unexpectedly."

"I merely asked about some missing patient files."

"You merely demanded he submit to full inspection should he not promote you as you rightly deserved. That, my dear, is blackmail."

Hermione blushed but did not look particularly guilt ridden.

"There is the matter of the house-elf abuser that waited eight hours to be treated."

"It was a busy day!"

"You had three other patients, and the counter-curse took all of three minutes."

Hermione sulked.

"Let us not ignore the curious incident in which the male who behaved improperly was hexed by a most mysterious assailant."

"He grabbed me! There isn't a woman who wouldn't have hexed him after what he did!"

"Yes, Hermione dear, but most women would not have used one without a counter-hex. The man was without a defining part of his body for over a month. I hear it was most uncomfortable."

Hermione still refused to feel guilty.

"The passing of the House-Elf Abuse Law was simply beautiful," the prim woman continued with an odd sparkle in her eyes, lighting her face as Hermione had never before seen it. She really was quite the beautiful woman when she was not being a snotty aristocrat.

"I did nothing wrong!" Hermione insisted.

"I did not say you did. I am merely pointing out that your methods are remarkably similar to my former husband's."

"I still think you are stretching a bit."

"Draco told me about all you accomplished in school."

"What?"

"Rita Skeeter and Dolores Umbridge. Cormac McLaggen? Do you remember now?"

Hermione fumed silently.

"Now, child, you know I would never judge you…" Hermione bitterly laughed inwardly, remembering the days before she had such power when Narcissa refused to even acknowledge her. "…But it remains true that you find ways to get what you want that are… similar to the means of persuasion used by Lucius."

Hermione simply stared with a mixture of horror and awe. She could not dispute the truth. Her methods were something she had never really thought about. After all, everything she had done had been in the name of all that was good. She supposed that was the defining difference between Lucius and herself: their ideas on what was good. Still, that difference was big enough.

"I knew you would agree. Now, my dear girl, leave everything to me. I have already arranged for you to be away from St. Mungo's this weekend. You are coming to the spa with me where Lucius frequents. The man cannot go a week without a manicure."

The young woman had to bite her lip to keep from giggling like a school girl.

"If something sparks between the two of you, marvelous. If not, you have been treated to a weekend in luxury. Now agree like a good girl."

Still partially lost in shock, Hermione nodded mutely.

"Wonderful. Apparate to my estate Friday when you are finished at the hospital, and I will take you shopping for new robes. You simply have to look fabulous for the spa."

Far be it from Hermione to question this wisdom. However, now that she was able to take in everything she had been told, she was somewhat more capable of processing what exactly she had gotten herself into. Narcissa seemed rather set on having her date her ex-husband, and Hermione knew from experience that it was best not to go against the woman's wishes.

Still, that didn't stop her from recognizing the huge favor she was doing Narcissa. Surely that must profit her somehow. Information was the blonde's most valuable commodity, and Hermione was intent to see exactly how much she could learn.

"Narcissa… Why did you divorce Lucius if you had no ill feelings toward him?"

"You mean you do not know? My child, you really do need to learn how to gossip."

Part of her wanted to prove the woman wrong, as she knew enough to seriously damage quite a few careers. However, she supposed Narcissa had a point. As busy as she was with supervising her department at St. Mungo's, managing the House-Elf Abuse Hotline, and other worthwhile endeavors, she only had time for the most superficial understanding of popular relationships.

"At the time, I was still in training and working tirelessly on the House-Elf Abuse Law."

"There is never a good reason to dismiss social information. That advice will get you anywhere. As for your question, I suppose you are entitled to the truth." The blonde sighed dramatically. Hermione was once again surprised by how very theatric the woman could be when she wasn't in the presence of those she felt so far beneath her.

"While Lucius was in Azkaban, I had some time to consider our marriage. When he returned after the war, I brought to his attention the fact that I did not feel especially attracted to him anymore. He seemed quite relieved and informed me that my particular form of deviousness no longer sparked anything. After over two decades of marriage, we were no longer interested in each other romantically. For the first year, we did what we could to rekindle our love to no effect. Finally, when Draco married, we decided to try a separation. It worked so well, we were so much happier, we decided to make it official."

"I see."

"You must understand, Hermione, that Lucius was a good friend of mine before our courtship. We never were particularly interested, but there is much to say about shared interests and comfort. I fear Draco and Pansy will find themselves in a similar situation in a few years. I am only grateful you managed to introduce the concept of divorce into our culture."

"You are welcome. I never did understand the need to stay in an unhappy marriage."

"Neither did I, dear. Especially now that I know what true compatibility is."

The aristocrat smiled dreamily. Hermione was shocked at the difference the entirely honest expression looked on the normally calculating and often cold woman. Part of her, a part uniquely separated from her drive for knowledge and success, prayed that one day she could look so happy despite herself.

Then again, she was 25 and preparing to date a middle-aged former Death Eater at the request of his ex-wife. Perhaps romance really was too complicated to bother with.

* * *


	2. Part 2

**The Royal Treatment**  
_Just a Penniless Writer_

**_Standard Disclaimer Applies_**

**Part 2.**

"I believe lavender is the color. No?"

The clerk adopted a thinking pose before agreeing resolutely.

"Yes, Madam. All of our styles are available in this hue."

"Yes, yes, I am aware. Now, I want you to retrieve five different styles of robes in lavender. Three of them need to be varying lengths of dimensions of simplicity – straight lines and a high waist to draw attention to her lacking bust. You do have something to improve that, do you not?"

"Yes, Madam."

"Good. Bring that as well. The fourth set of robes needs to be partially embellished – lace on the edges or a slight pattern in the material. The fifth needs to be the most embellished robes available. Do you understand? Good. Bring everything to the dressing room."

Hermione simply stared at her shopping companion with a mix of horror and awe. This expression was becoming quite common, she thought idly. Still, the idea of being a dress-up doll for Narcissa was a bit disconcerting. She half believed that the woman had been looking forward to this process since they had first come across one another. It wouldn't surprise her if it was true.

Three hours and eighteen robe fittings later, Narcissa seemed pleased with the results. Purchasing four of the highest quality robes in varying shades of lavender and blue, the woman then led Hermione onward to shoes. The process here was similar, until two hours later the young healer was ready kill someone if only to escape. She had not left early from St. Mungo's only to become a playtoy.

Luckily, Fate was with her. Ginny Weasley happened upon the scene, obviously surprised to find the former Mrs. Malfoy dictating to an overworked clerk exactly what shoes she wanted while Hermione looked on with sympathy.

"Hermione? What in Merlin's name are you doing shopping? Shouldn't you still be at work?"

Before she had a chance to respond, Narcissa did so on her behalf.

"Miss Granger is preparing for a visit to the spa tomorrow."

Ginny just stared for a beat before responding, "Oh, well that makes perfect sense then."

There was an awkward moment during which Hermione simply looked at her friend blankly, not quite understanding how everything was colliding in such a manner.

"But," Ginny began with confusion. "Why are _you_ going to the spa?"

Once again, Narcissa saved her the trouble of inventing a reply.

"At my request," the aristocrat said as her nose steadily made its way into her traditional 'you art lower than I' position. "The Women's League is considering her to head our new Witch Health Committee."

"Oh. Wow. Good luck Hermione. I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself."

Hermione only cringed at the thought of a Weasley wishing her luck in what amounted to the wooing of a Malfoy. If Ginny ever discovered the true reason… well, it would doubtless be a bigger disaster than her breakup with Ron. The Almighty Wrath of Molly Weasley was nothing to scoff at.

"And Hermione… if you are going to get those shoes, you should probably wait to wear them until after a pedicure."

And with that simple piece of advice, Narcissa's face lit up with happy surprise and any feud that may have existed between her and the Weasleys was forgotten. For now.

* * *

The spa was possibly the cleanest and snootiest place Hermione had ever visited, which was saying much considering she had visited the en suite bath in the Minister's offices. Every step she took was greeted with smiles from the staff, who she just knew were scowling once they were safely out of her field of vision. That she was accompanying Narcissa Black only made her welcome all the more indulgent. 

Their luggage was immediately whisked off to their room while Hermione and Narcissa were escorted into a back room to begin their morning with a hand massage, specifically requested by Narcissa. Hermione had never partaken of a hand massage and was a bit skeptical of its practicality. As well, as her nails were uneven and calluses lined her fingers where she typically held her quill, she was not looking forward to casual remarks regarding her lack of finesse.

She'd never thought to be envious of her patron's smooth hands until now.

Forty-five minutes later, Hermione could say nothing but compliments for the spa staff. She had never realized exactly how tense her hands usually were.

It was in this relaxed mood and on the way to the next attraction --a snack involving spinach and goat cheese before a thorough mud bath-- that she heard Narcissa gasp dramatically and pull her behind a potted plant.

"If only we had thought to do something with your hair first…" the woman stated while pulling the bushy pile back into a knot at the base of her neck. She nodded slightly as she stepped back to examine the effect. "That will simply have to do. Now, be a dear and do remember you are my _guest_."

And with that warning, she stepped majestically away from their cover, pulling Hermione with her, towards a blond man who could only be her target.

"Lucius, my dear, how wonderful to see you here!"

The man turned around and was indeed Lucius Malfoy. Hermione couldn't say he looked particularly depressed at all, certainly not to the extent that Narcissa had stated, but then she acknowledged that she had really only known him well enough to hate him. His state of health, then or now, had never been a subject of concern for her. For that, she could only be glad; she imagined worrying over a man such as Lucius Malfoy had to be particularly stressing.

"Narcissa, lovely as always. And your guest…"

"Oh, Lucius, you remember Miss Hermione Granger."

Lucius sent a sharp look to Narcissa at that statement, but remained otherwise pleasant.

"Miss Granger, how pleasant to see you once more. I understand you are now a department head at St. Mungo's?"

"Yes, Spell Damage. I enjoy it immensely."

"I suppose you would," he stated quietly with a slight turn of his lips.

Hermione felt uncomfortably insulted and was about to comment when Narcissa stepped in.

"Yes, the Women's League is particularly pleased with Hermione's accomplishments. We're considering her to head our new committee on Witch Health."

"Isn't that marvelous," he stated with a strained expression. "Now, I believe I will be late for my appointment with Beatrice. Good day, Narcissa, Miss Granger."

When he walked away, Hermione let out a relieved sigh before Narcissa sent her a quelling look.

"He knows what I mean to do, or suspects at the very least. That will make this more difficult without your prudery," she said snappishly before striding off once again towards their next appointment.

Hermione could only swallow her anger with some trouble before following after her with a bit more gusto than perhaps was necessary.

She thought sourly that she might need quite a few more hand massages to survive the weekend.

* * *

Immediately after a strangely relaxing and yet terribly ironic mud bath, Narcissa managed to secure them hair appointments. Though usually hair would be saved for last, in order to not let later spa treatments ruin the style, Narcissa felt it particularly necessary for Hermione's hair to be dealt with. 

As it turned out, it was perhaps a good thing. While Narcissa emerged from the salon with perfectly coiffed hair, all the staff had managed with Hermione during the entire two hours was to tame the bush into something almost resembling curls. They had given her specific directions on how to continue the treatments during her stay and scheduled another two appointments during the weekend in order to finish what they had started.

Hermione could only hope it was worth it. Her stylist had assured her that when they finally managed to tame the beast, she would be able to keep it trained through a simple matter of a hair care regime that could be shortened to a special shampoo and leave in conditioner. She still had her doubts, but was determined to give it a try, especially after seeing that frightening glint in Narcissa's eyes once she emerged.

"It is a start. Still simply atrocious, but certainly another ingredient towards a completed potion."

Hermione kept her comments to herself, only hoping the weekend would be over quickly. What she had thought would be an amusing affair was turning into quite something bothersome. She had little practice in dealing with Narcissa while she was in this state, other than ignoring her which simply wouldn't pass here.

With yet another sigh, she hoped their upcoming pedicures would yield a better mood in her patron. Otherwise, she just might have to make a break for it. No hand massage, no matter how wonderful, was quite worth all this trouble.

Of course, it was with that thought that everything began to fall into place. Narcissa smiled victoriously when she saw that a particularly glowing Lucius, probably just come from a facial, was also awaiting an appointment with the pedicurist. With a sly glance at Hermione, she indicated their luck.

Hermione could only barely contain her groan of frustration as she placed a courteous smile firmly on her face and went to meet her doom.


End file.
